From among parenting jokes at
Laws of Forbidden Places:
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all
foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but
not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and
of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you
may eat, but not in the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you
may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you
may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins,
of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then
may you eat in the living room.
Laws When at Table:
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a
greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for
that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting
bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor
fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you
will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away
from my presence.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and
do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in
order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent
away from my presence.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have
swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what
is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister
has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the
table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your
lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not
with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not
stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other,
nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit
like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I
have said, it has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to Dessert:
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is
clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most
of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of
not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can
see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks,
both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes,
still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the
potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a
fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall
into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are
given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are
touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you
point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to
you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the
server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of
herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is
loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from
screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint
unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover
your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made
the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Concerning Face and Hands:
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the
hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon
you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe,
rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner beyond
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its
turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how
iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not
go hence until I have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances:
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own
bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on
bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub your feet against cars, not
against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so
afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read,
nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to
madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.