Service Rep: Hello, you have reached the Heart Systems Software Company
help desk. How may I help you?
Customer: I just received your latest program, LOVEv4.0...you know....
the freeware. I don't understand it. Can tell me how to install it?
Service Rep: Sure thing ma'am. Do you have the installation disk and
instructions with you?
Customer: Yes I do, but first can you tell me what the program does?
Service Rep: Sure thing ma'am. LOVE is a unique program, there is no other
like it in the world. LOVE attaches to your operating system and runs
silently in the background, you will never see LOVE on your monitor or your
toolbar, but you will notice its affect on every application you may have.
It makes the good programs run smoother and greatly restricts and/or deletes
the bad ones.
Customer: Wow! That sounds great. How does LOVE make my machine run
Service Rep: Well, good sound files, like COMPLIMENT.WAV, ENCOURAGEMENT.WAV,
and KINDWORD.WAV will play frequently. Also, FORGIVENESS.EXE will be invoked
every time there is an external violation, including the ever-popular syntax
errors. Also, all those aggravating errors that say "unable to connect" will
be avoided. LOVE allows for a smooth connection with external devices,
regardless of what country it is manufactured in, the brand name, or the age
of the model.
Customer: That's exactly what I need, my machine has been isolated for too
long. But what about the bad programs?
CS Rep: Good question. LOVE searches your memory for programs like HATE.COM,
BITTERNESS.EXE, SELFISH.COM, and SPITE.EXE. These programs can't be entirely
deleted off your hard drive, but LOVE overpowers those programs. LOVE stops
their commands from being executed and runs its own instructions. You will
no longer hear INSULT.WAV and you wont be able to write with the fonts
"BADWORDS12" or "HARSHNESS10".
Customer: That's a fantastic program you have. Are the upgrades free too?
CS Rep: They sure are ma'am.
Customer: How do I get the upgrades?
CS Rep: That's easy. Once you have LOVE installed and running, it
automatically copies a module, or a piece of itself, to every external
Harddrive Email And Remote Terminal (HEART) that it comes in contact with.
In turn, those external devices run whatever version of LOVE they have and
return a module to your HEART. You will be upgraded with each and every
module that you receive. But you have to remember, to receive the upgrades
you have to be running LOVE and you have to come into contact with other
computers while it is running.
Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to
install now. What do I do first?
CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now.
Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and
RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your
current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it
will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite
LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you
have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs
prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do
this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have
been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically.
Is that normal?
CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall
for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to
begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS".
What does that mean?
CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE
program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your
HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in
non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it
can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to
the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT,
and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin
patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE
from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make
sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files.
SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM,
PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!
CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it
from here. One more thing before I go...
CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to
everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they
will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.