Breaking up

Can't we all get along? This page is for those who can't romance right. I especially need your contributions here!

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“He was happily married — but his wife wasn't." —Victor Borge about Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

25 Surprising Marriages: Faith-Building Stories from the Lives of Famous Christians (Baker Pub Group, 1997) author William J. Petersen found that the real-life marriages of well-known Christians (past and contemporary) are not always models of Christian love. For example, John Wesley, father of the Methodist Church, was divorced from Molly Vazeille, after a 25 year "explosive union." Quaker author Hannah Whitall Smith (The Christian's Secret of a Happy Life, 1874) ironically endured a marriage made wretched by her husband's instability and infidelity. But the powerful "take away" from this book is how they coped through faith.

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Ingredients For A Good Marriage

From Les Parrot:
1. healthy expectations of marriage
2. realistic concepts of love
3. a positive attitude and outlook toward life
4. the ability to communicate their feelings
5. an understanding and acceptance of their gender differences
6. the ability to make decisions and settle arguments
7. a common spiritual foundation and goal

For a marriage to be long lasting, we believe that a couple needs love, commitment, communication and problem solving skills, fidelity, honesty, ability to handle conflict in a constructive way, respect for one another, realistic expectations, understanding, kindness, and a sense of humor. — Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com guides to Marriage

Expectations

We have been poisoned by fairy tales. —Anais Nin

“And they lived happily ever after” is one of the most tragic sentences in literature. It's tragic because it's a falsehood. It is a myth that has led generations to expect something from marriage that it is not possible. —Joshua Lievman

Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold. —Maurice Seitter

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most illusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. —George Bernard Shaw

Harville Hendrix wisely explains it all with these thoughts:

• Surface compatibility such as shared activities provide a social bond, but are minor, not major to the relationship.
• We are subconsciously attracted to not so much physical beauty but the most frustrating aspects of our parents — our “Imago”. “A good indication that you have met the right person for you is that you two begin to fight.”
• We do this because it's nature's way of urging us to heal wounds inflicted during our childhood. “Even among primates, the person who wounds you is the person who heals you. Our unconscious minds accepts a facimile of our parents.”
• The whole chemistry of falling in love is nature's way of telling us who are good facimilies of our parents.
• Wanting to change the other person is a natural unconscious part of our being.
• If we consciously seek people with opposite traits than our parents, we become bored with that person. “The ideal relationship is not conflict free. Conflict is growth trying to happen.”
• Couples stay in bad conflict when they do not act on their role as a healer for each other.
• We help our partner heal by bringing up their frustrations from woundedness. “Our partner activates the most primitive defenses and our most primitive needs.”
• We heal ourselves through our partner's imputus.
• Intimate relationships helps us recognize our deepest wounds to be healed.
• We heal when we find a healthier habitual (characterological) patterns of behavior.
• A committment is important because the path is difficult.
• Conflict becomes healing and growth producing when we apply Dialogue skills: mirroring, validation, and empathy. These skills are taught in “Imago” therapy.

The success of a marriage comes not in finding the "right" person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married. —John Fisher

Love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it. —Katherine Anne Porter

Where love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece. —John Ruskin (1819-1900)

Love is like a tennis match: you'll never win consistently until you learn to serve well. —Dan P. Herod

Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command. —Alan Watts

$11 Keeping the Love You Find : A Guide for Singles by Harville Hendrix, PhD (Own Books, reprint September 2001)

 

$11 Getting the Love You Want : A Guide for Singles by Harville Hendrix, PhD (Pocket Books, 1993)

 

 

$11 The Couple's Companion : Meditations and Exercises for Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, PhD, Helen Hunt, and Beatrice Benjamin (Pocket Books, February 1994)

 

$53 Short-Term Couples Therapy : The Imago Model in Action by Wade Luquet and Harville Hendrix (Brunner-Routledge, March 1996)

"That's it. I've Had It! It's over!"

“Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.”—St. Augustine Love is like war, Easy to begin but hard to end.

Divorce And Remarriage: What does the Bible teach?

Deuteronomy 24:1-4 says “...her former husband who divorced her must not take her back to be his wife after she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the Lord, and you shall not bring sin on the land ...”

From David Instone Brewer at Tyndale House, Cambridge, England

From the Mishnah Gittin 9:10:
The House of Shammai say: “A man should not divorce his wife unless he found in her something indecent, as it is said: For he finds in her an indecent thing” [Deut.24.1].

And the House of Hillel say: “Even if she burned a dish for him, as it is said: For he finds in her an indecent thing.” [Deut.24.1]

In Matthew 19:3,9: And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any thing?" ... 9) [Jesus replied]: "I say to you: "Whoever divorces his wife, except for indecency, and marries another, commits adultery". (see also Matt. 5:32; Mark 10:11-12 and Luke 16:18)

"Let none be faithless to the wife of his youth, for I hate divorce, says the Lord" (Malachi2:15f )

Mark 10:6-9 "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

Ephesians 5:22-25 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

1 Peter 3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives

1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

1 Cor 7:10-11 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

1 Cor 7:12-13 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must no t divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.

1 Cor 7:39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.

Luke 16:18b The man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

• PREP® Prevention & Relationship Enhancement Program offers quizes and workshops on the principles of handling conflict in relationships described in the book Fighting for Your Marriage.

• Smart Marriages says that the difference between successful and unsuccessful couples is how they handle their differences. Anyone can learn to do it better and smarter.

• Divorcecare.com offers support groups.

• Thoughts on Being Broken Hearted from the author of "The Broken Heart Repair Manual".

• What Is The Promise Of Marriage? Understanding the cycles of marriage

• Abigail & Leah: Living In A Difficult Marriage: Making the most of a difficult situation

• When Two Walk Together: Learning to Communicate Love and Acceptance in Your Marriage by Richard and Mary Strauss

• Getting Along With Each Other: Communication, Relationships by Richard L. Strauss

  

• Retrouvaille (retro-vie), a Catholic-sponsored program to help couples revive troubled marriages. 1-800-470-2230.
• Dr. Jim A. Talley is 'Waging War On Divorce' with his Relationship Resources, which include an article on The Most Destructive Words: Get On With Your Life

• Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, ( www.smartmarriages.com), a Washington-based clearinghouse for information about all sorts of skills-training programs. Call (202) 362-3332, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. weekdays, or visit the

• PREPARE/ENRICH, a widely used questionnaire and follow-up program to help engaged and married couples identify strengths and weaknesses. Send a stamped self-addressed envelope to PREPARE/ENRICH, P.O. Box 190, Minneapolis, MN 55440-0190 for a list of area professionals using the survey.

  Marriage Savers : Helping Your Friends and Family Stay Married by Michael J. McManus analyzes the reasons why marriages fail and offers practical advice a person can help others stay married. Get it discounted here.

• Marriage Builders provides 300 pages of Biblically-based yet practical advice.

• Flying Solo has tax and plan-ahead tips for Divorce and Separation.

   

  
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  The Marriage Prayer
  Lord help us remember when we first met and the strong love that grew between us. To work that love into practical things so nothing can divide us. We ask for words both kind and loving and for hearts always ready to ask forgiveness as well as to forgive. Dear Lord we put our marriage into your hands.

  —Amen

The Problem with Divorce

It's Not over! I'm Committed!

From Rejoice ministries: Adapted from "The Fellowship of the Unashamed"

I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down! I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce! In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness. I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome. I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.

On the power of prayer Character is the ability to carry out a good resolution long after the excitement of the moment has passed. —Cavett Robert