Listening and Conflict Resolution

The Steps

Adapted from the AMI Video and other sources.

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1. State the Problem

• “I don't know how to put this, but it looks like we can't seem to get along.
• “It's obvious you and I don't have a very good relationship.
• “This is impacting both of us.
• “I'm trying to be reasonable. I realize there are two sides to every story.

2. Ask questions to draw out the other side's story. Then wait.

• “I appreciate your honesty.
• “I'd like to know how you see it. I'd like to hear your side of the story.
• “How is your system set-up?
• “I need you to tell me. What do you think?

3. Keep asking instead of jumping to conclusions and solutions.

• “What where you going to say? Please, go on. “I'd really like to know.
• “I didn't realize ...; “That could be a hassle. “Go on.
• “I want to make sure I fully understand the situation, the whole picture.
• “Is there anything else? You look like you're holding something back.


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4. Listen to paraphrase other's point of view. Don't interrupt. Don't argue.

• “I'm glad you're telling me this. “This really helps me.
• “So I create problems for you when I ...;
• “Not:“That's not true ...; “As a matter of fact ...;
• “Not:“If you weren't so ...; (stubborn, egotistical, etc. defensiveness)

5. Analyze specific situations rather than threatening or getting defensive.

• Let's call this a no-fault discussion. “Let's take this one step at a time.
• Not:“Every time ...; “You never ...; “We always ...;
• “Can you give me an example? “How often does that happen?
• “When I (ask you, give you, etc.) ...; what happens?

6. Ask permission before telling your side of the story.

• “Would you like to hear how I see it? “Could you help me with my situation?
• “When I ...; what happens is ...; ? “The problem with this is that ...; “I feel like I'm ...
• “How do you feel about what I just said?

7. Get agreement the issues and why it is valued.

• “So, it's a problem for you when I ...; “This is important to you because ...;
• “And I have a difficult time when you ...; “This is important to me because ...;
• “Could we say that's our basic problem?



8. Brainstorm (Write down) specific possible solutions — one at a time.

• “Can we work together to come up with some ideas we can both live with?
• “What if we tried ...; “Have we considered ...; “Could we perhaps ...;
• “Let's write down all these good ideas so we won't forget. “Let's take it one idea at a time.

9. Agree on the best actions and measures of progress.

• “What will we need to see before we can say that this is getting better?
• “Would this make things better? “Would this solve our problem? “Would this work?
• “Would it cause a problem if we ...;“I am worried that if we do that ...;

10. Take Action and Follow-up as agreed. Track results over time.

• “So, from now on, we'll ...; “To do your job, you would like ...; “To do my job I would like ...;
• “And if we catch each other not doing what we've agreed, what can we do to remind each other?
• “Let's check back with each other every ...;

Persecution

Stages of Persecution:

• Identification —label.
• Marginalization —separate from the mainstream.
• Vilification —barage of negative comments.
• Pass Laws to reduce rights.
• Enforce Laws

Dialogue

This Dialogue Framework, from Pathways Learning, illustrates the source of unresolved conflict and how to avoid it.

In the heat of the moment, people who are ineffective at resolving conflict resort to primitive and counter-productive tactics along two extremes--silence or violence:

Tactics along the silence track go from masking (lying about how we feel) to avoiding to withdrawing.

Tactics along the violence track go from controlling to labeling to attacking.

$10 Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson (Editor), Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler (McGraw-Hill, June 2002, 208 pages) puts in paperback (and audio) techniques the authors teach in their DialogueSmart training. The authors teach people techniques to create mutual respect by defining shared meaning, which builds emotional safety needed to establish the freedom of expression necessary for a transformational dialogue.

The authors shows how people examples of how to tell stories to engage higher morals and avoid engaging fight or flight instincts.

The authors provide a web-based Feedback mechanism

$18 Dialogue and the Art of Thinking Together: A Pioneering Approach to Communicating in Business and in Life by William Isaacs and Peter Senge

$11 Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher (all associated with Harvard Law School and the Harvard Project on Negotiation) The book analyzes three separate components:

The Compatibility of Needs

In 1958 Social Psychologist Will C. Shutz developed the FIRO (Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation) questionaire to measure the potential for conflict or compatibility between people by measuring their satisfaction with three fundamental needs

FIRO Need	Measures extent one wants to be ...	Associated with	Too much	Not enough
Inclusion	"in" or "out" of a particular group.	Introversion and extroversion (Togetherness)	Exhibitionist (no boundaries), Possessive	Isolationist (excessive boundaries)
Control	"up" (superior) or "down" (subordinate).	power, influence, authority and comfort with it	autocrat is dominating, competitive, power seeking (may be a martyr) rebellious	abdicat avoids responsibility, 'cover your ass' attitude
Affection (Openness)	"close" or "distant".	feelings of loveability	excessively self-disclosing, self-revealing, seeking approval, ingratiating, confiding; may be jealous of others' friendships	emotionally distant, superficial, uninvolved with people, distrustful, uninvolved; sometimes using antagonism in order to leverage against Openness

Interchange Compatibility comes from agreement about the rate/amount of interaction. Conflict comes, for example, when one person sends out several emails and the other feels inundated because he or she prefers a single communication. Or one person does not send as many messages as the other expects.

Shutz measured how well needs are being met with behaviors from two perspectives:
• Expressed behavior one is comfortable showing to others
• Wanted behavior one desires from others

Compatibility comes from balance in the exchange of behaviors serving needs:

• Reciprocal Compatibility comes when one person expresses as much affection as what the other person wants.

• Originator Compatibility comes when one person initiates or dominates and the other prefers to be submissive. Conflict comes if the dominator feels overworked or the submissive resents being dominated.

Some words used to describe FIRO are from the Comparison of FIRO and SYMLOG survey instruments.

Musselwhite, E. (1982). FIRO B. Palo Alto, CA: Consulting Psychologists Press.

Schutz, W. (1958). FIRO: A three-dimensional theory of interpersonal behavior. New York: Holt, Rinehart & Winston.

Schutz, W. (1966). The interpersonal underworld (FIRO) [originally published 1958]

Schutz, W. (1988). Profound simplicity. Muir Beach, CA: Will Schutz Associates.

Resources

• 76 Secrets of Better Problem Solving and Decision Making Meetings ($3.95 booklet).

• Ten Ways for Becoming a Better Listener.

• The Top Ten Ways to Deal With Negative or Angry People.

Kids' Letters to God:

Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with me and my brother. —Larry