Start/Stop: Abbott and Costello Meet Microsoft Windows
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM,
a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're
going to train me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I
heard that you should be very careful how you
turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I
want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off.
I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbot: Start.
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer,
I am willing to press the Stop button, the
End button and Cease and Desist button, but
no one in their right mind presses the Start
to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop
at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I'M being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we
started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
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Haiku Error Messages
Tired of impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages?
Consider the graceful simplicty of Japanese haiku poetry,
which are (by definition) 17 syllables each: 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, five in the third.
Gone
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Countless more exist.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence
You file is not found.
Your file was so big
And probably quite useful
But now it is gone.
You step in the stream
But the water has moved on
This page is not here.
Having been erased
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen, mind, both are blank.
Stuck
Chaos reigns within
Reflect, repent, and reboot
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed
I am the Blue Screen of Death
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
First snow then silence
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain
Death, taxes, and lost data
Guess which has occurred.
Service
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao until
You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down.
Out of memory
We wish to hold the whole sky
But we never will.
Found on the
website of Lattina Adams, MS
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