Some answers given by students:
From Richard Lederer's “Anguished English” (Wyrick, Dell) 510.526-8470
- The first book of the Bible is Guinness's in which God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
- Unleavened bread is bread with no ingredients.
- Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.
- The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother.
- The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
- David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
- Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
- Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
- Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
- When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
- When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in
- Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you.
- He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
- It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb
stone off the entrance.
- The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.
- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
- One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
- Salome danced in 7 veils in front of King Harrod's
- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
- He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
- A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
The pastor was talking to a group of young
children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked,
“Where do you want to go?"
“Heaven!" they all piped up.
“And what do you have to do to get there?"
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone
else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank
of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
- A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
- A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
- A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q Which Bible character had no parents?
A Joshua, son of Nun.
“I believe the promises of God enough to venture an eternity on them.” —Isaac Watts
God's Story -- basics of the Bible using colorful
illustrations and Real Audio in 10 different languages.
(Meaning of Life)
(Justice & Morality)
“Dishonest people believe in words rather than reality.”
Mishnah means 'to repeat' or 'to memorise' because it was originally the memorised summaries of the important debates on the meaning of the Law.
“A text without a context is pretext."
“That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus.”
Ephesians 2:7 (KJV)
“I have made a covenant with God that he sends me neither visions, dreams, nor even angels.
I am well satisfied with the gift of the Holy Scriptures, which give me abundant instruction and all that I need to know both for this life and for that which is to come.”
“The Holy Spirit has not promised to reveal new truths, but to enable us to
understand what we read in the Bible; and if we venture beyond the pale of Scripture we are upon enchanted ground and exposed to all the illusions of imagination and enthusiasm.”
(Maps & Photos)
Julius Scott, Jr. notes that in Acts Stephen emphasises that G-d works not just in Canaan:
God spoke to Abraham in Mesopotamia (7:2 ff.) and to Moses in the wilderness of Arabia (7:30 ff.);
GOd blessed Joseph in Egypt (7:9 ff.), and it is in Egypt that Isreal grew (7:17) and
experienced God's deliverance (7:36 ff.).
Even the law, the focal point of Jewish life, was not given to Israel in her own land but at Mount Sinai (7:38).
Watch the Jesus film in 15 languages
“You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."
(Origin and Destiny)
Foods of the Bible
Animals in the Bible (Ant, Ass, Bear, Bee, Camel, Dog,
Eagle, Fox/Jackal, Goat, Hart and Hind, Horse, Ibex/Wild Goat, Jerboa/Mouse, Kite, Leopard, Lion, Locust, Mole,
Pelican, Quail, Raven, Roe/Gazelle, Scorpion, Sheep, Stork,
Swift, Turtle-Dove, Unicorn, Vulture, Whale, Wolf)
There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she ask the priest to talk with the boys, and he agreed.
And so, the mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first, and alone. So the mother sent the younger one to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across from his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"
His brother replied, "We're in BIG trouble. God is missing and they think WE did it!"